Tag Archive | humor

Father Knows Best?

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Father Knows Best?

Well Hello Again!

Enjoying your summer thus far?  I am!  Beauty abounds in California year round and with these warmer months I never miss a moment to appreciate her beauty, be it the coast, mountains, deserts or valleys.  Here’s hoping your summer is filled with scenic eye-candy too!

Folks,  I had a hard time deciding who to write about this week.   After tossing 2 men back and forth, I’ve settled on telling you about one gentleman by the name of J…J.Wayne (at least that is what I’m going to call him in this blog post).  Can’t have lawsuits knocking at my door!

J was an older gentleman, mid-60s.  Now, normally I wouldn’t consider a man past the age of 53-ish  because I kinda wanted someone closer to my 49yrs.  I know, I know,  we’re not talking about a May-Dec romance here… more like a May-Sept thing, which, in retrospect,  probably wouldn’t be too embarrassing if I were ever to introduce him to my parents.

J introduced himself to me via a small but nice message.  I responded promptly because I have this one internet dating rule that I follow: if a man sends his own personal message instead of a computer generated wink/flirt/comment, I will respond.  I don’t care if it’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s profile pic staring back at me, he’s going to get a reply because he took the time to send a personal thought. It’s only fair, don’t you think?  Why of course it is.  And speaking of Ahmadinejad, I bet he writes some pretty heart felt poetry and love letters.  Outward displays of hostility is just a cry for love… or so I’ve been taught.

But back to J… my internet dating rule wasn’t the only reason why I gave him the time of day.   J’s profile picture showed him on a horse over looking the Sierra Nevada’s, very similar to the scenery above.  It was truly a stunning photo that I’m sure captured the interest of many a lady who forked out $60 seeking an eternal companion from the http://www.   Mountains, pine trees and on a horse no less… aahhh, heart be still!  Kudos to you J for your ‘Legends Of The Fall’-esque photo selection!

Scenery aside, J wasn’t so bad looking himself for he had a slight resemblance to Mike Ditka, former head coach of the Chicago Bears (quite like the stock photo below).  Personally, Mr. Ditka never did anything for me but I was willing to give this look a shot.  Sure, why not.

Reading up on  J’s bio, it said he has his own home that he built on a couple acres at the base of the Sierra Nevada’s .  Oooo, interest piqued!  Trust me, I scoured his photos to see what his house looked like.  He could have pieced together a cardboard shanty for all I knew.   Turns out, he had an absolutely lovely home.  Very nice!   J also owned several horses, dogs, vegetable/herb/flower gardens and fruit trees of just about every kind.  His profile stated further that J was extremely comfortable as a retiree due to well placed investments, thus enabling him to travel the world extensively.  Hmmm,  I was liking him already!  Little did J know but from his pictures and the description,  his homestead was everything I’ve ever dreamed about having.  But was the man?  That was the question… and the answer will follow.

On a side, as a young’n,  age 11 or so,  lil Miss Pooz bought a book at a yard sale titled ‘Caddy Woodlawn’.  Caddy was a young pioneer girl in the 1860s who settled with her family in Wisconsin.  (Laura Ingalls’ long lost cousin?)  How I loved Caddy’s tomboy adventures and the pioneer life she lived.  I wanted to be Caddy!   Ah, to live in a cabin, on a farm with my own vegetable, herb and flower gardens was the dream!  And then to can the fruits and veggies from said gardens was all I could hope for.   I wanted to know how to survive in the wilderness like pioneers had to.  I wanted to follow tracks in the snow and to fish in a creek, to churn butter, sew my own clothes, sit by the fire and read…and last but not least, I wanted to ride off into the sunset on a dang horse!  If I won the lotto, that’s the wish I’d make come true.   Living in a mansion next door to Paris Hilton or the Spellings was never my hope.  No siree Bob,  I wanted the simple life and J seemed to be in possession of it.

Aaaaand, there’s one more itty bitty reason why J’s place was so appealing… it would certainly do in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse (ZA) or the end of the world, whichever came first.  Ha!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming!!  Oh yea, true-blue ‘The Walking Dead’ fan here.  Best show on tv, hands down.  Hey, a girl’s gotta think of these things!  Survival is where it’s at and trust me, my chances of survival were looking pretty good on J’s homestead ’cause ain’t no zombie gonna drag his rotting ass out to the Sierra Nevada’s.   There are plenty of humans in the cities and suburbs for zombies to munch on so I’m pretty sure I’d be safe with enough home grown food to live off of for months, if not years, on J’s homestead, until the CDC got their act together and took care of the zombie infestation.

But I digress.

J and I corresponded via email a couple times then moved to the phone.  I kinda liked J… at first.  He was a straight-forward type of guy, generally what you’d expect of a gentleman from the wilderness who rode a horse.  He lived a clean, tough, solid life and was definitely a man who didn’t mess around…and that was a bit of the problem.    J didn’t mess around too much.   I like a man who is all man, but I also like a man who’s a bit of a goof as well and it was becoming apparent that J didn’t have much goof in him.  Tough guy is good, but tough-goofy guy is better.  At least for me.  Could I live with Mr. Serious the rest of my days?? Hmm, I suppose, but turns out, his lack of ‘goof’ was the least of his problems.

Now, I want to interject right here and now that Ms Pooz is doing her best not to JUDGE anyone, to give all men a chance (where applicable, of course).  But doggone it, there are just some things that not even a non-judgmental person can put up with and one of those things is… Grandpa pants.  Yea, you’ve seen ’em, pants on old men that are belted just below their nipples.  (sigh)   And you guessed it… a couple pictures from J’s profile showed he was the proud owner and wearer of Grandpa pants.  (for the more sensitive and squeamish, barf bags available upon request)

Okay, I can hear my mother right now, talking to the screen, “Is that all?  You can buy him better pants, you know.  Dillard’s is always having good sales.”

No mother, that is not all.  I had to mention the above so the nice readers could get a clearer understanding of what I’m about to say next.  See, more than a few times, after getting off the phone with J, I felt agitated, almost angry.  It wasn’t hard to figure out the cause… J was very condescending.  Now, I can’t give you examples of how he was condescending the first few times because that was a bit ago, but I can give you the LAST condescending remark he made to me.  We were talking about where each of us has traveled to, when he mentioned that he takes a cruise two times a year and, had I ever been on a cruise ship?  “Why, yes I have”, I said, “Took a very nice cruise out of the Port of New Orleans on such and such cruise lines.”  J shot back, “Oh no. No. No. That’s a real cheap cruise line.  You haven’t traveled until you’ve been on a luxury liner like the one I take each year. I hope you have a ball gown.  If not, we’ll have to get you one.”

Grrrr….  I don’t know if J thought he was ‘Educating Rita’ or what, but I had had enough!  I’d HAPPILY live in a zombie infested city than live on a prairie wonderland with condescending J.  I can just picture it now, J standing at some barn door in his Grandpa pants with his hands on his hips, condescendingly telling me what I didn’t do right this time.  I don’t care if the beautiful Sierra Nevada mountains are in the background, it still makes for one ugly picture!  And I sure as heck don’t care that I haven’t lived for not having been on J’s luxury liner ’cause I’ll be $&@?!  if I’ll ever walk into an elegant cruise ship ballroom on the arm of a man wearing Paw-Paw Pants!!!!  ICK!

So, needless to say, another one bites the dust.

Luckily, Miche is here to turn a bad situation into a good one!  Yay Miche!!!  The new Miche purse shells for August happen to have just the style for a horsey ride in the Sierra Nevada’s!!  Check these lovelies out!

And these new August purse shells reminded me of the LOVELY cruise I took because the color  matches the beautiful waters of Mexico.

Aren’t they just the cutest???  I really love Mya, the hip bag and I can’t wait to order Madison!!  Don’t forget to visit my website:  DianneTaylor.Miche.com to check out all the purses, accessories, purse charms and such.  Happy Shopping!!!

Until next time… Happy Trails and Fair Sailing!

Ms Pooz

PS… be sure to hit the LIKE and SHARE button if you can.  I’d be mighty ‘bliged!!!


No Fly Zone 2… Retired Air Force Pilot

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Blog #2…. Again

Folks, Ms Pooz GOOFED!  Last week found me tinkering ‘behind the scenes’ of this blog, trying to learn about adding new features, buttons and whatnot, when I accidentally DELETED ALL previous blog posts.  Yea, I know.  UGH.  All previous awesome blog posts gone.   Just like that.   Poof.   (sigh)   For those fortunate enough to have read my masterpieces, lucky you!  You have the upper hand on what this blog is about.  For those of you new to Ms Pooz’ Baggage, you’re SOL, sorry.  Those were some good reads!   Heck, even I was impressed.   But take heed fellow bloggers, learn from Ms Pooz…back up, back up, back up ALL YOUR WORK.  Amen.

Anyway, I goofed and there it is.  So on to my online dating site saga and why the Retired Air Force pilot’s wings were revoked.

When I received a  message from the Internet Dating Site saying I had an interested gentleman caller, I was thrilled!!  Clicking on the message opened up a profile picture of THE MOST HANDSOME MAN ever!  EVERRRRR.  WOWSA WOWSA WOWSA!!!  WHAT A LOOKER!!!  Love me a man with a chiseled jaw and boy did this guy have one.    (fanning self)  Reading his profile revealed he was a retired Air Force pilot.  A Fly Boy… does it get any better???  And a handsome one to boot.  I felt the vapors coming on…

The interesting thing about this retired Fly Boy was, he had a striking resemblance to Virgil or Scott Tracy, one of the pilot puppets from that old 60’s kid show, ”Thunderbirds’.  As a very young girl, Ms Pooz LOVED that show because she had the most horrible crush on one of those black haired puppets.  I’m pretty sure it was Scott Tracy…  but puppet love it was!!  I know it sounds silly to have a crush on a puppet but that’s nothing because Ms Pooz also had a crush on Speed Racer.   Why did they have to draw him so cute??   Out of curiosity, anyone else have a crush on a ‘non’ person?  Speed Racer seems to be the winner amongst women my age.  Face it, he was adorable.  One friend had a crush on Speed’s brother, Racer X.  Not me, too old looking for my 6yr old self, but what do you expect, my friend is gay.  I know they like ’em buff, which Speed wasn’t.

But I digress.

So staring back at me in the profile pic was my childhood love, puppet man incarnate!  Oh how I melted.   This got me thinking…could Thunderbird’s puppet makers have used my retired AF pilot as a model?   I mean, Fly boy would have been a young pilot back when the show was being… oh never mind, back to my story.

I read Old Fly Boy’s profile and he couldn’t get any better if he tried.  World traveler, widower, has his own successful business…Mr Perfect.  The best part, he wrote a nice long letter expressing his attraction to moi.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I tend to gravitate towards men that have a flair for the written word.  To me, it shows the level of their intelligence.    Now, I’m nobody’s fool because I also know that nice long letters from gorgeous men does not always equate to a nice man.    I’ve got a story about one of those men coming down the pike so stay tuned.

Correspondence began immediately between  retired AF Fly Boy and I.   By golly, no time would be wasted on getting to know this stud.  All systems GO!   We went back and forth for a couple days exchanging emails, getting to know each other’s likes, dislikes and so forth.  My how this man could write!!   His emails waxed poetic with his desire for me!  My knees got weak just reading his messages.   He knew all the right words to say to melt Ms Pooz’ bitter, dark heart.   He expressed how he had signed up a while ago but wasn’t compelled to write to anyone until he saw my beautiful profile picture, and not a team of horses could keep him away because he KNEW I was THE  ONE.   Aaaahhhh, what women doesn’t want to hear that???  Again with the thinking, was it possible that God showed me, as a child, who my future husband would be via Thunderbirds, but through some freaky cosmic mishap, our paths would not be able to cross until his wife died and the internet was invented??  Oh it’s possible, stranger things have happened I say.

About day 4, Mr Perfect blew it.  See if you can spot his downfall.

“My beautiful, exquisite, lovely one, I have set your profile picture as my screensaver on my desktop and laptop so I can gaze upon you as I work.  What a beautiful smile you have.  I like to run my finger along the curvature of your face as I gaze into your azure eyes.  You are the one.  I want you.”

Ugh.  COLOSSAL FAIL.    For those not able to guess his unforgivable mistake, here is my official internet dating site profile pic.  Nothing glamorous, just plain ole, simple me.  Spot the error.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, let me help you.  Azure eyes I DON’T HAVE.    Definition: Azure  is a blue color on the HSV color wheel at 210 degrees. Azure  is the hue that is halfway between blue and cyan. Its complementary color is orange.  Azure  is a near synonym for the color blue. Commonly it refers to a bright blue, resembling the sky on a bright, clear day.

Azure eyes.  Yea.  Azure eyes.   Anyone with a halfway observant eye can see by my skin tone and hair color, or by even LOOKING AT MY EYES, that I don’t have AZURE EYES.  If the fool had actually put my picture as his screen saver, as his email suggested,  he would have known that I have ‘HONEY COLORED ALMOND’ eyes (my fancy way of gussying up common brown eyes).  Don’t hate.   Us Brown Eyed Girls gotta do what we gotta do or say what we gotta say to glorify the most common eye color on the planet.

But back to our Fly Boy… easy mistake you say?  Maybe, but this particular dating site had a button  for a lovely feature they called, ‘My Profound Quotes’.   You could save anything ‘profound’ you might have penned from one message to be used at a later date in a new message, thereby saving you the hassle of having to think up something new for each person you write to.   I suspect retired AF Fly Boy dug into his pile of profound quotes and pulled out that gem.  The only problem was, he didn’t proof read it before hitting send.  This would also suggest that I wasn’t the FIRST woman he contacted because he clearly used that line on someone else… with blue eyes.  Mr Perfect was now not so perfect after all.  He was a liar, devious and color blind.  Bad combo right there.

I had to reply to this one.  My message was short and to the point, “Thank you for your interest, but unless your desktop or laptop is so powerful as to show the development of cataracts on my profile pic, my eyes will forever be brown.”

There! I told him!


Well, another one bites the dust.   No worries though, many more where he came from sooooo… the search continues.

Until next week…

Ms Pooz

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